I-IX

I

I do not want to know,
about sediment layers of substances
found in your quiet veins,
about spider scars coursing your thighs
the undersides of your arms,
about the awkward angled tilt of your head
signaling the severed cord,
about the blue smudged grey of your chilled skin
when they found you|
I do not want to know
what you were thinking,
as that last step
fell away
forgetting itself beneath your shifted tread|
I do not want to know
if the unquiet shrieking lost breath,
if the grotesque phantasms faded,
if you knew oblivion was sanctuary,
And they will not tell me|
Just in brief embarrassed hush
they will whisper, you
are finally
Safe and Silent|

II

I don’t want to remember the first time
you saw shadows in the peripheral|
You said they were fierce and demanding|
You said you could hear them,
you could not stop them talking urgent
at the back of your neck|
I don’t want to remember that I almost heard them
when I fell through the backs of your pupils,
dilated bled to black bordered blue|
I was inside of you drowning|
You begged me to listen to the constellation shades hovering
in your twilight|
You said if I was quiet
I would hear them screaming|

III

Do you remember
when we sailed off
the edge of the world,
passed sea serpents,
leviathans,
and sirens singing us to shores
we once dreamt into being/
Do you remember
how we plugged our ears
with blunt fingertips
immovable in our search
for gravity/
Do you remember
how I held your hand,
how you whispered,
Wished three Times that I
could save you
from falling/

IV

Here is his atlas|
It is crumpled unfinished, tattered
at the edges|
Do you see here
in the island chain strung along the middle,
Here was his brilliance
burning his own body to ash|
Do you see this continent
at the bottom of the world/
This was his anchor
weighed with breakable regret
and half spoken desires|
Do you see this ocean
littered with dragons and poison/
This was his therapy swallowing continents
and islands
into startled voids|

V

Here is my memory
in flat palms up facing|
I offered this to alchemists and magicians begging
for wellness|
Here is the answer|
There is no cure|
For chasing phantoms and hallowed voices|
For not believing
in anything|

VI

In white washes
I once stood next to him,
as he was stripped naked in blue jeans and a nameless shirt,
surrounded by doctors
metal bars and suicide watches|
I could not hear
over the sound
of my own breathing
thinking this is what breaking looks like|

VII

Tell me Someday he will get better

VIII

I have been dreaming of road map directions,
and picture coded legends
with a clear line towards sanity|
The warehouses holding inconvenient and untreatable,
the factories building chemical composites of maybe
have dissolved into myths|

IX

I know the dissolution of madness|
I remember your mind shrieking
against brittle smiles of indifference|
This is our inheritance
our foolish eyes wished blind by apathy|
We would do nothing but watch the drowning
sink below the surface,
watch the grasping waters close quiet around them dying|
I know this path of pretended beauty|
I know this cold face turning away|
I know the crosshairs fixed on unforgiven|
I know I walked away
when you were still trying to hold my hand/
when you were still dreaming of sirens calling us home|
I know tonight I will dream in topographical notes|
I will see you beside me breathing your next life
stripped of lunacy
Without half truths
Without lullabies
Without night terrors|
I know tomorrow I will remember
because I must know the tapestry weaving us together|
I must know the first breath of birth
the last gasp at the surface
and the struggled crawl at the center|
I must know there is not that much between us
small angles of separation|
Look, there in the window reflected,
we are almost
the same|