Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I wrote this poem when someone I loved was psychologically drowning, and no matter how hard I tried I could not save them. I nearly lost myself in their downward spiral. This was one of the worst periods of my life, but in the midst of so much that was heartache and pain I could not bring myself to give up on living. In recent weeks, I have spoken to number of people (whose presence I treasure), who are going through difficult times. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear. Instead, I offer this small token....for everyone, who has known this struggle...for everyone, who writes to survive.

Not too long ago to remember
I was sitting on the periphery of insanity
I found myself locked in rock
rigid with what comes next

I knew if I dropped my vigilance
for even a second
I might uncover me on the opposite side of this galaxy
exhaling sulfur visions
of a world ruled by fractures and fissures
seismic tremors tearing reality into split personalities

and I see you in splintered shatters
down abyssal trenches swallowing psychosis
like sugared water sweetness
but not enough to disguise bitter signs posted
by enemies real and imagined

Because this is a sliced out section of space
where reality lies in scattered flickers
bytes and bits of chance and choice
so terrible and terrifying
you would shut down your mind’s madness
and it doesn’t matter if that means
you must clip your own wings
at least then you can’t fly blind
but open your eyes wide and fall fast
to feelings of vertigo turning
the whole world upside down and inside out
and you have still got your heart hanging
on the outside of your chest
so someone meeting you for the first time
knows what color you bleed
and sees you’ve got scars
carving your body more than skin deep

But the worst part of these wounds
is knowing when you look at everything
between your thumb and your index
you’re looking at the hand that did this
whittling your own flesh
with razors and words built for waging civil war

Because I see you swimming in a straight jacket
with weight in your back pockets praying
the next time you breathe will be the last
and when you take that gasp
all these fractures and figments will settle
into a film flashback
a montage of moments that mattered
in each second you and I talk
I have to wonder
which one are you running faster from
the death that inevitably someday must come
or this life you have with a gun in your hand
aimed in a thousand different directions at once
like you can turn annihilation
into some kind of map
that might make sense someday
but that’s after everything in your path
is blasted or burned away
because your side of the galaxy
is so far from where I am
as I stand right next to you in this ten by ten room
so scared your predictions are a taste
laced with some mad apocalyptic truth
as if in your delusions
you have drunk the fruit nectar of providence
dined on a divine destiny of destruction
inextricably coupled with love

So how do we finish this
because now I’m caught up in knots tied so fast
I can’t loosen
tearing them with teeth so desperate
I might dine on my own flesh escaping
this prison
where you are the warden the guard the keys
the walls the catcalls calling echoes
through blacked out halls
playing connect the dots with bullet shots
aimed at strategic places mapped out across me
wondering which bulls-eye
will make me bleed the most
and now I see me breaking free
throwing myself in a thousand directions at once
because I’m a ricocheted prayer
falling down to my hands and knees
begging you to please breathe
because maybe just maybe
tomorrow you’ll be able to say to me
and anyone else who can listen or pay attention
today I did not find joy bliss or happiness
but for one second I knew I’d miss being alive
and baby sometimes that’s the thought
you need to survive

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